A Year In Review

2016 has been a really hard year for me.  I've learned so much about myself...some things I'd rather not have known, but I know God will work it all out for good.

In the coming year, I plan to stop torturing myself.  I have a tendency to obsess about things and this year has been no different.  My mind continually runs through the 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens'.  I go back and I retrace all the steps in my mind, how I got to where I am, where things fell apart, and how I ended up doubting myself.

I've gone through a lot of asking myself what is wrong with me, over the past 6 months in particular.  The answer is nothing.  Nothing is wrong with me.  I've made some poor choices, but I'm still me.  Hopefully a better version of myself everyday.

I realize I need to let go of bitterness and envy, but that is much easier said (or typed) than done.  There is a lot more that I need to let go of too and it's just going to take time.  Excruciating, never ending, time.  I need to forgive...myself, others...and move on.  How that actually gets accomplished is still something I'm trying to figure out, but I will get there.

Each moment is a chance to start over.  I'm going to be better in 2017.  That's all we can really hope for in life, is to be better than we were before.

Guilt vs Shame

What is the difference between guilt and shame?  Until yesterday I pretty much used those words interchangeably.  However, it's been brought to light that guilt is a feeling of remorse for causing pain to others where shame is simply feeling that you are a bad person because you have done wrong.  

I have felt both guilt and shame a lot lately, but learning this distinction between the two made me realize that shame is definitely where I'm coming to a stand-still.  Someone on facebook posed the question a while back, 'What is your greatest fear?' and one person answered, 'to have my integrity questioned.'  That really struck me because I thought, yeah, that would really hurt me to the core.  

I am basically a 'good' person.  I'm not saying it to boast or brag, but in general I just try to do the 'right' thing, whatever that is and well, I'm not perfect.  Nobody is.  We all know this, yet I somehow thought I couldn't be swayed to go down the wrong path,but like I said, definitely not perfect over here! 

I don't want to dwell in this place of shame.  Jesus knows my heart.  He knows my struggles, he knows my thoughts (yikes, that's scary), but he also knows that I'm trying.  I think that's all we can really do in this life, keep trying.  I sit here and question if I was ever a good Godly woman (whatever that is, I don't even know), but in my heart I know that God forgave me the moment I asked.  It proves much more difficult to truly forgive myself.  

Honesty

What is honesty?  Apparently it's being good and truthful and having honorable intentions according to Merriam-webster.  The bible has about a bagillion scriptures on the importance of honesty, ok maybe not a bagillion, but a lot.  I've always prided myself on being a very honest person.  I actually really suck at lying, so it doesn't even make sense for me to attempt being dishonest.  I've also never believed in the statement 'ignorance is bliss'.  So basically, I had lied by omission to someone who I didn't really know, but I felt very strongly (after months of prayer etc) I needed to apologize to.  So I did.  It was terrifying, but it went much better than I could have ever imagined.

Now 2 months have passed since this apology and life is moving on as it tends to.  If I'm being honest (which isn't that what this is really about?) my soul is still healing and I'm sure will always be scarred.  Of course, these wounds are partially self-inflicted since I will be the first to admit that I am not blameless.  In all of this there comes a lot of reflection about everything and anything, but the main thing I keep coming back to is 'what is this life all about? What is the point?'  And I think my answer to that is the point for me is to continue to love others with my whole self, just as Jesus would.  It sounds cliche, but it would be very easy for me to say 'nope, I'm done with that, it leaves me too vulnerable to pain.'  However, I don't believe that's the path God has set out for me.  Yes, there is a right way and wrong way to go about loving people, but the fact that I care so deeply about people (although it can lead to a lot of pain) I think is really a blessing after all.  

8 Months is a Long Time

A lot has happened in the past 8 months.  A LOT.

I'm emotionally spent.  I am trying to scale back to an extent on what I pour myself into in order to really put a focus on my marriage and family.  I am still going to be the leader for our girl scout troop this year, but I am only doing the publicity position in MOPS and this is also my last year in MOPS.  I have taken on the role of membership something-or-another with the parent/teacher organization at school in order to stay more involved there.

This past year was such a tumultuous year for us and for me in particular.  I don't like a lot of what went on, but I do think that God saw me through a lot of tough times and is continuing to rebuild my heart and soul to give me the strength I once had.  I struggled a lot this year in dealing with Embry's less than stellar teacher because I felt like I was floating on a island all alone.  The staff was supportive, but only to the legal extent that they could be.  Some parents were supportive, but mostly to the extent that it affected their children.  I was concerned not only for my child, but all the kids to come through those doors in the future years.  The ultimate 'straw that broke the camel's back' wasn't from me and for that I'm actually kind of glad.  I'm not a spiteful person by nature.  I want to see the best in people.  I want to believe that everyone possesses good intentions.  I just had a really hard time with this teacher and reconciling the things she said and did with the fact that she was in a classroom with first graders and professed to love teaching.

In dealing with this issue, I developed some unhealthy relationships.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and in looking back on things since this has been over and done for a while now I can see that I was longing for someone to stand up for me and with me.  I was in a vulnerable place and in that vulnerability I should have looked to God to fill my needs, but instead I turned to humans and I got burned...very badly.  So now I'm on a recovery mission.  A recovery of my heart, my spirit, my love of life, my marriage/family, and my trust in God.

A friend said that it's truly like I'm grieving and it really is.  But I'm not grieving something that was lost, I'm grieving something that never was. It will take time and hard work, but slowly I will become the best version of myself because God is greater than any hurt a human can inflict.