Tuesday, July 12, 2016

8 Months is a Long Time

A lot has happened in the past 8 months.  A LOT.

I'm emotionally spent.  I am trying to scale back to an extent on what I pour myself into in order to really put a focus on my marriage and family.  I am still going to be the leader for our girl scout troop this year, but I am only doing the publicity position in MOPS and this is also my last year in MOPS.  I have taken on the role of membership something-or-another with the parent/teacher organization at school in order to stay more involved there.

This past year was such a tumultuous year for us and for me in particular.  I don't like a lot of what went on, but I do think that God saw me through a lot of tough times and is continuing to rebuild my heart and soul to give me the strength I once had.  I struggled a lot this year in dealing with Embry's less than stellar teacher because I felt like I was floating on a island all alone.  The staff was supportive, but only to the legal extent that they could be.  Some parents were supportive, but mostly to the extent that it affected their children.  I was concerned not only for my child, but all the kids to come through those doors in the future years.  The ultimate 'straw that broke the camel's back' wasn't from me and for that I'm actually kind of glad.  I'm not a spiteful person by nature.  I want to see the best in people.  I want to believe that everyone possesses good intentions.  I just had a really hard time with this teacher and reconciling the things she said and did with the fact that she was in a classroom with first graders and professed to love teaching.

In dealing with this issue, I developed some unhealthy relationships.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and in looking back on things since this has been over and done for a while now I can see that I was longing for someone to stand up for me and with me.  I was in a vulnerable place and in that vulnerability I should have looked to God to fill my needs, but instead I turned to humans and I got burned...very badly.  So now I'm on a recovery mission.  A recovery of my heart, my spirit, my love of life, my marriage/family, and my trust in God.

A friend said that it's truly like I'm grieving and it really is.  But I'm not grieving something that was lost, I'm grieving something that never was. It will take time and hard work, but slowly I will become the best version of myself because God is greater than any hurt a human can inflict.

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