Well, Here it Comes

I think I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. What the heck is going on? I feel like the only thing I should think for the rest of my life is 'look at me, I'm alive! Here I am, I'm alive!' yet here I sit at 3:30 in the morning, not gotten a wink of sleep, worrying. When getting discharged today I was barraged with about 40 papers listing medications, notes for other dr's to fill them in, instructions, but like half of what I need is missing. I feel like I was given way too much information at one time to process yet not all the pieces are there. We filled the prescription which was about 10 diff things, yet none of them were a blood thinner. The orders said not to fill the one blood thinner and in my mind, I was on more than one, so where are the rest? I called the insurance company, luckily got through to the dr after hours and she got a blood thinner filled. I was given a huge batch of meds this morning, I don't know which ones, yet I'm still supposed to take all these meds tonight before bed? Aren't I duplicating meds, especially the steroids which are very sensitive to dosage. How come nobody went over all this with me? Then I lay here wondering, how is my body going to process these 15 pills I just took? All at the same time? Shouldn't they be spread out? What if I actually do go to sleep, will I wake up? The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital, but shouldn't someone be monitoring this more closely? I went from getting my vitals checked 6 times a day to getting them checked, oh right, not at all. Then on top of it all, they restarted some of my old meds and none of those were in the prescriptions either...so am I supposed to take those or not?

Every single muscle in my body aches. I feel like I ran a 10k. I can't even move my arm to pet the cat without pain. Still, I have to use what seems like all of my body strength in order to get up to go to the bathroom. Everything is sore. EVERYTHING.

Nola has a bump on the back of her head, like a squishy nodule. She also is constantly snorting and like gasping for breath. Something is not right. I called a new ped and set up and appt for her and embry to be seen but the earliest date was the 18. Should I call and see if they can see her sooner? Do I go along even though it's going to be incredibly difficult? But I need that information. I need to know what's going on with my baby.

I have no clue, absolutely none, as to what is going on with Tony. I feel like such a burden. We need to go to counseling. On top of this, I had a talk with the dr before leaving in which she said basically there is no way I should ever be pregnant again. I guess I knew this. I however can't take any hormones or get any surgeries which means that it will be up to Tony. He's only 25. This seems too young to do something so drastic, so final. I mean, what happens to him if something were to happen to me and he'd want more kids down the road?

There are a million things to get done. Bills sitting there waiting to be opened, probably already past due. It's like a never ending list of dr's to see. I have no idea who I'm supposed to call and when and then when I'm supposed to see them and why.

This whole thing is hitting me all at once. Up until now, I kinda felt like it all happened to someone else. Now I realize that I'm the one hobbling around. I'm the one laying here watching the seconds tick by for 5 straight hours waiting to rest. I'm the one that is missing 2 weeks of their life. What happened? I want answers. I kind of know the medical side, but what about the emotional side? What did people think? Where were there minds and hearts? I know none of this. How is this going to work? How is anything going to get done? How will I make it down the stairs in the morning? Who's going to put all this junk away? Will I ever fully recover? The dr gave me a lecture about how the normal heart runs at about 65-70% and mine's about 45%. What does this mean? I thought, 'oh good, it'll be like a month and I'll be back in the swing of things.' Is that even remotely realistic?

I just don't know what to think. It's all so overwhelming. I am happy to be alive, but my gosh, what is going on?