Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Well, Here it Comes

I think I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. What the heck is going on? I feel like the only thing I should think for the rest of my life is 'look at me, I'm alive! Here I am, I'm alive!' yet here I sit at 3:30 in the morning, not gotten a wink of sleep, worrying. When getting discharged today I was barraged with about 40 papers listing medications, notes for other dr's to fill them in, instructions, but like half of what I need is missing. I feel like I was given way too much information at one time to process yet not all the pieces are there. We filled the prescription which was about 10 diff things, yet none of them were a blood thinner. The orders said not to fill the one blood thinner and in my mind, I was on more than one, so where are the rest? I called the insurance company, luckily got through to the dr after hours and she got a blood thinner filled. I was given a huge batch of meds this morning, I don't know which ones, yet I'm still supposed to take all these meds tonight before bed? Aren't I duplicating meds, especially the steroids which are very sensitive to dosage. How come nobody went over all this with me? Then I lay here wondering, how is my body going to process these 15 pills I just took? All at the same time? Shouldn't they be spread out? What if I actually do go to sleep, will I wake up? The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital, but shouldn't someone be monitoring this more closely? I went from getting my vitals checked 6 times a day to getting them checked, oh right, not at all. Then on top of it all, they restarted some of my old meds and none of those were in the prescriptions either...so am I supposed to take those or not?

Every single muscle in my body aches. I feel like I ran a 10k. I can't even move my arm to pet the cat without pain. Still, I have to use what seems like all of my body strength in order to get up to go to the bathroom. Everything is sore. EVERYTHING.

Nola has a bump on the back of her head, like a squishy nodule. She also is constantly snorting and like gasping for breath. Something is not right. I called a new ped and set up and appt for her and embry to be seen but the earliest date was the 18. Should I call and see if they can see her sooner? Do I go along even though it's going to be incredibly difficult? But I need that information. I need to know what's going on with my baby.

I have no clue, absolutely none, as to what is going on with Tony. I feel like such a burden. We need to go to counseling. On top of this, I had a talk with the dr before leaving in which she said basically there is no way I should ever be pregnant again. I guess I knew this. I however can't take any hormones or get any surgeries which means that it will be up to Tony. He's only 25. This seems too young to do something so drastic, so final. I mean, what happens to him if something were to happen to me and he'd want more kids down the road?

There are a million things to get done. Bills sitting there waiting to be opened, probably already past due. It's like a never ending list of dr's to see. I have no idea who I'm supposed to call and when and then when I'm supposed to see them and why.

This whole thing is hitting me all at once. Up until now, I kinda felt like it all happened to someone else. Now I realize that I'm the one hobbling around. I'm the one laying here watching the seconds tick by for 5 straight hours waiting to rest. I'm the one that is missing 2 weeks of their life. What happened? I want answers. I kind of know the medical side, but what about the emotional side? What did people think? Where were there minds and hearts? I know none of this. How is this going to work? How is anything going to get done? How will I make it down the stairs in the morning? Who's going to put all this junk away? Will I ever fully recover? The dr gave me a lecture about how the normal heart runs at about 65-70% and mine's about 45%. What does this mean? I thought, 'oh good, it'll be like a month and I'll be back in the swing of things.' Is that even remotely realistic?

I just don't know what to think. It's all so overwhelming. I am happy to be alive, but my gosh, what is going on?

5 comments:

Melissa said...

Leatrice, I just want to give you a HUGE hug. I know it all seems so overwhelming, but don't try to do everything at once all by yourself. That's what friends and family are for and I'm sure many of them will be there to help you straighten everything out.

The top priority right now is getting the medications straightened out. Triple-check that you've got everything you need and write out a medication schedule for you to follow.

And definitely see if you or another family member can take Nola in to see the pediatrician today. Most pedi offices have same-day sick appointments or walk-in hours; don't put off the appointment if you feel the matter with Nola is urgent. Could it be possible that she has allergies to pets/cats? Also, my infant frequently gets globs of mucus in her nose and I suction it out daily because otherwise she snorts and gasps, much like what you're describing.

Everything will come together in time. You're in my thoughts and no one is expecting you to do everything yourself, so enlist the help of others and don't feel like a burden. People do understand and they love you very much.

Feel better. ((Hugs))

Miss Elimy said...

Leatrice,

First, I want to assure you that all these feelings are perfectly NORMAL. You have been through a lot in the past two months, starting even before Nola was born. They should have had a counselor talking to you before you left the hospital, but see if you can get an appointment with one along with your next doctor's appointment.

And everything is going to be hard for you right now. Every little thing. And that's ok, that's normal too. The 45% thing means basically that your heart is beating a little slower than normal, so your body is getting less blood. But at least the blood is getting there. Your heart should strengthen again over time, just like any muscle that's suffered a trauma.

Hang in there mama, try not to feel like a burden, and try to stay positive that you WILL come out of this. Tony loves you, and he'll want to do what's right for you.

Sarah said...

I wish I wasn't working today so I could come hang out with you and calm all your fears! I will check in with you after work. I love you and I'm praying for you!

Anna said...

Leatrice, I hope you are feeling a bit better right now. I'm so sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I'm sure the whole thing has been extremely overwhelming. I wish I could give you a big hug...please let me know if you need any help at all. I'm always here, only a phone call away (even during the day!). I can help in anyway possible. It was an extremely scary time for everyone, emotions ran high and that in itself is exhausting. Give it a little time and God will guide you and your family. I love you very much!

JoAnn Nehs said...

Lea I am very sad after reading you blog I had no idea that you were feeling all those emotions. You need to stop acting like everything is O.K. and talk to people about all the crazy things that are going on. It's got to be overwhelming. I think you are doing just wonderful keep up the good work and try and be patient with you recovery. It will probable take a long time, you were very, very, sick, but have come a long way from where you were. I am trusting God to heal every part of you that still needs healing including your heart, lungs, blood, Lupus everything. I expect you to be even better when this whole thing is all over. Trust in the Lord to finish the work he has started. We all love you so much, I am heartbroken that all these bad things happened to you. You deserve all good things to be happening to you. You are the greatest, daughter, mother, friend. Just a wonderful person, I would take you place if I could. This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to us. Hard to understand why such bad things happen to such good people. Hang in there. You are doing good. Love you so much