Tomorrow is the start of a 12 week long weight loss group on facebook. The idea is that each member pays $25 at the start of the 12 weeks and it all goes into a pot. Then each week we take photos of our scales and send it in to the administrator who calculates the percentage of weight lost each week. Then at the end of 12 weeks, whoever lost the highest percentage wins the whole pot of $. If everyone who is in the group right now paid in their $25 (they still have 1 day to backout) then the winner would get $325. I sure could use that money, but more importantly I could use my body back.
This extra 60 lbs has really done a number on me. Besides the extra pain that the weight brings to my joints and my back, my mental state has been quite horrible because of it. Whenever I go anywhere in public I can't push the thoughts out of my mind that people are judging me. I imagine teenagers laughing at me behind my back, fellow moms wondering why I don't just lose the weight already, and family and friends just feeling sorry for me. I'm sure that most of what I imagine isn't true, but I know that a small portion of it is.
I'm so self conscious that I've been trying to avoid certain situations (going out to eat, the movies, grocery shopping, parties) simply because I know I'm going to feel like people are staring at me and thinking about how fat I am. Now you might wonder if I imagine people feeling this way about me, then how must I feel about other people who are overweight or larger than I am. Well, I feel nothing about them what-so-ever, honestly, their weight, size, shape never even cross my mind.
This whole issue, and the fact that I feel utterly hopeless in all of it, is completely eating away at me (eating away, get it?!). It's made me into a different person all together. I'm not as fun, crazy, or 'myself' as I used to be and that makes me even sadder. There are times when I'm going to do or say something that normally I wouldn't give a second thought and then I stop myself because I don't want people to think, 'oh look at what the fat girl is doing now!' It's depressing on so many levels.
I've tried throwing myself into an exercise regimen where I worked out (doing hard core cardio) for an hour a day for 4 days a week for 9 months and I managed to gain weight. I tried not drinking soda for a while, gained weight on that one too. So this go around I plan to eat healthier (even though according to the 'experts' pretty much everything will kill you in some way or another), eat less, and do low-impact exercise (like walking, yoga, bike riding, etc). We'll see what happens, but my expectations are at an all time low. I might actually end up losing a negative percentage of my total weight by the time this 12 weeks is over.
3 comments:
I'm sorry you're feeling so down lately. I really do think that you're being way too hard on yourself. You're a gorgeous momma & I am willing to bet that people aren't staring and judging when they see you. We're all self-conscious about different things (myself included) and we tend to focus on these shortcomings day after day until everything is blown out of proportion & they become all-consuming. Be kind to yourself!
It sounds like you're going to have a great support system over the next 12 weeks. Wishing you well.
You can do it! And I agree with your friend Melissa.
Your post is so sad, wish I could do something to help you. I still think it is something physical that is keeping the weight on. Wish the Dr. could pin point the problem. They have been saying on the Dr's that stress raises your cortisol level,I hope I have that right, that causes you to gain weight, If that is the case we all have a problem.
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