Admission

When I was in college I was really sick with lupus symptoms and side effects of the lupus medications.  I was constantly worried that I'd get sick in public and have to suffer the embarrassment of that, so I started having panic attacks.  Eventually I told my doctor who put me on an anti-anxiety medication.  I took that for 7 years.  Then I decided to switch to a different medication that was supposed to do the same thing but also helps fibromyalgia patients with pain and I figured I could kill 2 birds with 1 stone.  Well it was fine, except one of the side effects was extreme sweating and they weren't kidding!  I went through last summer on that medication and dang, I was constantly dripping with sweat (plus it didn't help my pain).  So I told my dr and she was going to put me back on the old med, but then I thought, well it's been so long since I've been worried about getting sick in public that I might as well see what happens when I don't take anything.  That was about 6 months ago.  Let me tell you, I found out what happens...I'm a mean person.  I am frustrated, annoyed, impatient, hostile, and just plain mean.  I'm no fun to be around and it sucks.  Although, then I think, well if this is me without the meds, then isn't this really what I'm like?  Deep down I'm truly a mean, no-fun, and generally upset person.  That is really horrible and I don't like it, but should I take a medication that changes who I really am?  I don't know.  It's not what I used to be like before I started the anti-anxiety meds, but it is definitely apparent since I stopped them.  In the end, I'm back on the first medication and I'm supposed to go see the counselor to prescribe something better suited to my nasty temperament.  Bummer.

Weight loss update:  down 15 lbs total, woo!  But the biggest bummer of all is that I'm fairly certain that none of it has to do with me and all the hard hard hard work I've been doing.  I found out that my thyroid meds are too high which would have meant that I was hypERthyroid recently (aka lose weight) instead of hyPOthyroid (aka become a fatty).  What does this make me?  Meaner, sadder, in more despair, and completely unmotivated.  I wish I would have never told my dr that I wanted my thyroid levels checked again and I could go on in a world of ignorance and bliss at becoming the semi-thin person I once was.  I only told her because my hip had been hurting more than normal, but really, what is a little hip pain to a thin person?  I'd much rather be thin and have some extra hip pain than fat without hip pain...ARGH! 

Weight Loss Challenge

Well, we're in week 6 of my 12 week weight loss challenge.  I have so far lost 8lbs which brings me down to 182.  This makes me happy, however, I just watched a video of myself in a swimsuit playing with the kids in the lake when we were camping this weekend and holy cow, that could drive someone to drink.  I guess I don't think I look too bad until times when I see myself like that and then it's just so incredibly depressing.  It's almost as if 8lbs doesn't matter at all if you started out at 190lbs.

I started tracking my calories with the myfitnesspal app.  I'm leatricefay if  anyone wants to be 'friends' on there.  I've successfully stayed under 1200 calories/day for 4 days but we had camping inbetween and believe me, I did not count calories while I was camping!  Compared to what a person normally eats in a day, staying under 1200 calories is cutting your food intake at least in half, probably more.  Needless to say, it's pretty boring.  I'm constantly telling myself that I eat to live, I don't live to eat and therefore can exist on the 'bare minimum' just fine. 

I'm pretty confident that I will not win this challenge as I'm only at 4.5% of body weight lost and we're almost halfway through, but I'll keep plugging away and hopefully someday I won't look like the Michelin Man when I wear a swimming suit.   

Here are a few pics from camping: